I have been given the privilege to raise two beautiful and wonderful daughters. Every day they make me laugh and bring me so much happiness. It has been a joy to watch them grow and I can’t wait to see what kind of women they grow in to.
I have no intention of controlling what hobbies or interests they have. My oldest seems to have an artistic spirit and my youngest may turn out to be a great athlete. But no matter what hobbies or career they turn to, I do hope I can instill in them the following 10 lessons and qualities to be happy and strong women.
1. Kindness
I hope by example, and through teaching, I show my daughters how important it is to be kind. I remind them every day to be kind and gentle with the animals and with other people. We talk about how we don’t want to cause anyone pain because we don’t like it when we ourselves are hurt physically or emotionally.
When I lose my temper and yell I will apologize and promise to them I will work on doing better.
I have gone through being accepted into a challenging Veterinary Medicine program, and practicing in a very stressful career for the past 10 years. But I have never felt the need to be mean or cruel to others. Whether I am waiting in a long line at a store or trying to correct a mistake that has been made, I try to stay kind. I still may be frustrated, but I have never found the need to be cruel.
I hope to teach my daughters the same lesson as they navigate all the ups and downs of life.
2. Stand up for Others
The turmoil of the past 3 weeks since George Floyd’s murder have shown me personally how I have been wrong in not addressing race and racism head on. I thought that by just teaching kindness I would succeed in making sure my daughters know not to treat others differently just based on race, gender, or sexuality. But I am learning and I now know this is not enough.
By ignoring race, I am perpetuating racism myself. I am currently reading Robin DiAngelo’s White Fragility and will do my part to teach my daughters that they are privileged just by being white. And as such it is our job, and duty, to be part of the solution instead of the problem.
I will not pretend to teach my daughters to be color blind as I am learning this is a ridiculous premise. Instead I am reading to them and talking to them about race and how it is wrong to treat others differently just because of how they look. And it is our job to speak up and stand up for others when we see racism or discrimination in our daily lives.
3. Love Your Body, But Remember it is Yours Alone
I assume I am not alone, as a mother to a daughter, in fearing for their futures. It’s not so much an if they will be harassed at some point as women, but when. I hope to teach them the strength and confidence to leave situations where they don’t feel safe. And if somebody tries to touch them or coerce them to do something they are not comfortable with, I want them to have the strength and confidence to say No!
One way I am working on this is to teach the correct anatomical terms. We say breasts and vagina, because I want them to know exactly where it is inappropriate for someone else to touch them. We speak up about body autonomy and I ask permission to give hugs or kisses. If they say no then the answer is no. I don’t force them to hug others and we have a book we periodically read that tells them it is ok to say “NO” to others as well.
But I don’t want them to be ashamed of their bodies either. I tell them they are beautiful and strong. I let them see me exercising so they can see that I prioritize being healthy. And I let them know I am exercising or running so I can be stronger or faster, and not thinner or prettier.
4. Self Confidence
I believe that if I can teach my daughters to be confident in themselves they will have the strength of character to stand up for themselves and others. We praise them daily for working hard, helping us with chores, and for improving at whatever activity they are doing.
We want them to feel pride in a job well done, because I know those daily words of affirmation will some day lead to a woman who is confident and has strength of character. I don’t want them to let the comments or fears from others be the primary voices they hear in their heads.
If I have told them their whole lives what wonderful and strong people they are, I hope it will give them the ability to tune out the nay-Sayers in life.
5. Choose your Tribe Wisely
I am a member of a large group of intelligent and wonderful women who are also moms. I have watched the wonder and power that comes from a group of people whose primary goal is to build each other up and help each other through times of stress.
I want my daughters to surround themselves with a similar tribe of women or men. Friends who are there in the good times and the bad. Who have similar values and ideals and will help them to become an even greater version of themselves. We can’t do everything alone. And I know one day in the too near future they will be spending more time with their peers and less time with mom and dad. I hope they choose those friends wisely.
6. Be Smart with Money
I will be teaching my daughters how to budget and how to save for a goal. My husband and I have always tried to save up for big purchases. We do a lot of home repairs ourselves, or save and budget if we need to contract someone else. We also don’t buy luxury clothes or vehicles.
But we have been able to provide our daughters with swim lessons and dance class. I want to teach them that sometimes you have to forgo some wants in life, in order to afford the things that are more important.
And I want them to know the value of saving, and having a rainy day fund when something breaks or things don’t go the way you intended.
7. Empathy
I see this as going deeper than just teaching my daughters to be kind. I want them to have the ability to understand how others might be feeling. I don’t want them to not hit the dogs or their friends just because they have been told not to.
I want them to think how it might feel if someone else hit them. How that would sting and hurt their feelings. And by teaching this lesson now, when they are young, I hope in the future they can think how it would feel is someone said something unkind to them. So that they may stop and consider the feelings of others before they do or say something they can’t take back.
I believe if they have empathy they will want to stand up for others and be an ally to their friends.
8. Work Hard and Do Your Best
I don’t need them to be the best student, athlete or musician. But I always want them to work hard, practice and try their best. They may not be the fastest or win all the awards but they can feel pride in knowing they did the best they could.
And many times it will help them to achieve their goals. I plan to show them and teach them from my own example. I am not the smartest person, but I studied and worked really hard and was accepted in to Veterinary School. I have continued to learn and study throughout my career so I can be the best veterinarian possible for my patients.
I know my own daughters are capable of doing the same. Whether it’s following in my path toward a medical career, or pursuing whatever their dream may be, I believe that if they really put in the work they can get there.
9. Set Goals and Dream BIG
I don’t believe it is my job to try to squash their dreams now, just so they aren’t disappointed later. Their lives will have some disappointments no matter what. It’s my goal to try to support them in their goals. If they tell me they want to be the Queen of England I’ll let them know that’s not going to happen.
But I don’t need to tell them a dream is too big or too hard to achieve. I just need to let them know that it’s going to require a lot of time and work to get there. And that I’m here to help in any way possible. We don’t know what we’re capable of unless we try.
10. Know that I am Always Here for You
I can teach them about kindness and confidence. And I can make sure they know it takes hard work to achieve our goals. But I can not fully protect them from disappointment and heartache in life. There will be times when friends or loved ones will disappointment or hurt them. And I’m sure at some point I will do something to hurt them as well.
But I will always love them and be here for them. To answer questions, to stand up against the bullies in the world, and to offer love and strength. Whether they need an open ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or just the strength of a hug.
Parenting is probably the hardest and most rewarding aspect of my life. The fear you live with that someone or something might hurt these people you love so much is daunting. But I know that if I provide the initial strength and foundation in their life I’ll achieve my own goals. To raise strong and happy women.
What are the lessons you are trying to teach your own children?
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